And Now, Ozzy Will Bite Sarah Palin’s Head Off…
By Christopher Manson
February 4, 2010 Issue

In an ideal world, everyone would be reading I Am Ozzy, and failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s autobiography would linger in the remainder bins. Not that I’ve read Going Rogue, but I suspect Ozzy Osbourne’s not-so-fuzzy memories (written with Chris Ayres) are a helluva lot more interesting than those of Tina Fey’s doppelganger.

From his poverty-ridden childhood through the Black Sabbath period and animal-abusing solo years to MTV reality show stardom, Osbourne appears to have left nothing out. The more squeamish readers may wish he had. The infamous bat-biting episode—to this day, Osbourne still swears he thought it was a fake, and he’s got the rabies shot needle marks to back him up—has nothing on the graphic description of Ozzy’s pre-rock stardom days slaving in a slaughterhouse.

Grossities aside, this is one of the most compelling rock ‘n roll stories I’ve had the pleasure to read. I Am Ozzy is loaded with tales of sex, drugs and other debauchery but would hardly resonate without some kind of redemption. This he finds in the love of a good woman—Sharon, his second wife and MTV co-star. Guys, the next time your woman gets on your case, buy her a copy of this book and tell her, “Oh, yeah? Look at all the crap this woman had to put up with!”

Among the most startling revelations contained within this must-read: Ozzy’s contempt for devil-worshiping fans, his dislike of heroin (probably the only drug that didn’t find its way into heavy rotation), and his reactions to the deaths of his parents and guitar wunderkind Randy Rhoads. Osbourne adds some levity with his recollections of the, um, member sizes of his protégés Motley Crue.

Structured like a great novel, this story climaxes with the blackout to end all blackouts that resulted in the near-strangulation of Sharon and Osbourne’s arrest. Our hero is apparently clean and sober these days—at least I hope so. The book closes with a very funny conversation with a doctor who takes inventory of Osbourne’s decades of substance abuse and asks, “Why are you still alive?”

NEW CHET & BERNIE
Spencer Quinn’s Thereby Hangs a Tail is the second in the Chet and Bernie mystery series. I loved the initial offering, Dog on It, and never found the gimmick of having Chet the dog narrate the story tiresome. And I’m still not tired of it. Chet keeps the new installment moving forward while offering plenty of hilarious canine observations as his human gets embroiled in a show dog kidnapping case.

After reading the first novel, I wondered if Spencer Quinn was a pseudonym, but I soon forgot about it once I moved on to the next book in my ever-growing stack. Turns out Quinn is Peter Abrahams, a suspense novelist whose work I’ve admired for years. The Chet and Bernie books are a touch more lighthearted than Abrahams’ best work (A Perfect Crime, End of Story) but no less skillful.
- C.M.

AUDIOBOOK OF THE FORTNIGHT
Robert Crais narrates his own The First Rule, the second Joe Pike novel, and I liked it much, much better than the first one. The Watchman offered little in the way of character insights, and the plot—involving Pike babysitting a spoiled heiress—wasn’t particularly interesting. This time out, Pike investigates the murder of his long-retired mercenary pal (along with his wife and kids) at the hands of a vicious Serbian gangster. There’s plenty of action and the always-appealing nose-thumbing at police and federal bureaucrats—an ideal choice for anyone awaiting the new Jack Reacher/Mitch Rapp outings. Crais’ deadpan style serves this story well—he’s no Scott Brick, but he’s livelier than Stephen King.
- C.M.

NEW IN PAPERBACK
Michael Connelly’s The Scarecrow. “(Connelly’s) prose is straightforward and gritty. The narration is to the point and matter of fact. The difference in language and syntax between the killer’s narration and Jack’s is well established, and Jack and Rachel’s relationship is somehow—circumstances considered—plausible.” (Lesha Porche Denega, June 25, 2009 Beachcomber)

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