June 26, 2008 Issue

What better way to contribute to the deterioration of serious journalism than turning over this issue’s editorial to the opinions of those who insist on remaining anonymous? Here’s our rip-off of a popular feature from the local daily—what The Beachcomber’s readers (at least the ones who eschew accountability for their comments) are mouthing off about.

“To the mouther who complained about the rising gas prices: Do what I did. Buy a smaller SUV!”

“I was horrified to see that this popular new movie Sex and the City was full of inappropriate sexual material. Shouldn’t they let audiences know about this before they innocently walk into the theater with their children?”

“To anyone considering loaning Josh money: He will not pay you back, no matter how much you remind him.”

“Everyone’s mouthing off about McCain’s age and Obama’s inexperience, but how come nobody’s mouthing off about Nader’s irrelevance?”

“I think Suzanne is a hottie.”

“What’s with all the Act4Murder plugs in The Beachcomber? Does the editor have a thing for the director?”

“This July 4th, let’s all remember the true meaning of the holiday—shooting off explosives and terrifying small animals.”

“To all the dimwits thinking about buying a bicycle in response to the gasoline prices… don’t you know that the 300 bucks you’d spend on a decent bike could fill up your car or truck for a couple weeks?”

“Based on the recent to-do about you-know-what, I’d say the school board deserves a big, fat C-MINUS!!!”

“I think The Beachcomber would sell more copies if they put a hot chick in a bikini on the cover. Or a cute puppy.”

“During the recent county commission meeting, I noticed that a lot of our elected officials were drinking sodas loaded with sugar and caffeine. Is this the kind of message we want to send to our kids?”

“The recent mouth off about Hillary was dead-on. But to that, I would add—she’s twice the man her husband ever will be!”

“Great. So now gays and lesbians can get married in California. Nice going, Governor Judge Dredd!”

“Worried about the failing economy? I have two words for you—scratch and off!”

“Just how long does this new Beachcomber editor think he can get away with letting other people write his column for him, anyhow?”

- C.M.

More editorials from Christopher Manson